Credit_ After the deaf kid in there will be blood
Why would you do this to me? Debra, every Friday night. You go out to the Houlihans. You spend the money that I don’t have. I do not for the love of baby Jesus Mary in heaven understand your addiction to mozzarella poppers and strawberry martinis. Debbie please, come home before 9:30 just one night. You must live in a big pink fur coat under a rock. You know I spend hours scrambling at the porcelain plant so that you can have your little interludes with your neighborhood associates and such. Even though all you do is talk shit on your husband of 6 years. And for what? I come home to half an eaten tuna sandwich and a woman who smells like a carpet from Chuck E Cheese. I am truly up to my pits here Debra.
So what if I slept in the car by the lake? At least I was away from you watching videos of bloopers from E.T. Do you think I’m an asshole? There’s a reason I put nutmeg in my chorizo. You don’t know how to make breakfast tacos Debra, you just don’t. No hot sauce, no forgiveness. That reminds me of another problem. You have an aversion towards opaque liquids that I do not appreciate. Drink the fuckin chocolate shake, it costs 3.75 at the mall. I will not be taking you to the tea store ever again… anytime soon. It smells like scotch tape in there. There must be an ant worm around or something eating all the grass.
Also, I will only be bringing your mother fine graded ham and small tater tots. She chokes on em’ and then you yell at me. It’s not right. I can’t find the goddamn pedicure station in the rice aisle anymore. I guess they moved it by the yogurt now. How can I get your donuts without a massage? What am I an idiot? It’s unacceptable Debra. I may want a divorce. Scratch that, I know I want a fuckin’ divorce. I was thinkin’ maybe we go fishing by the slosh chute next Tuesday. I don’t know why we both have off.
I love you, goodnight.
p.s.
Spaghetti scraps tonight for dinner. I got a good deal from the guy out back of the thing there. Hearts and farts
——T. W
