Small Group Of Soil Surveyors Say The Earth Does Not Actually Consume Cardboard
Credit_ JJ Royalston
Contrary to popular belief, a small group of soil surveyors from a town outside of Nairobi Ohio say that the planet Earth does not “eat” or “digest” cardboard. Citing a report written in late 2014 the group claims that all the cardboard ever produced does not biodegrade, rather, it sinks below the surface and becomes trapped in between the crust and the mantle. Early data reports indicate that the level of cardboard becoming stuck below the surface is causing: destabilization of tectonic plates, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions; most notably in a small village outside of Toriko, Japan.
Dr. Kenneth Finehoffer, of the International Society of Soil Information states, “Yeah it’s pretty weird, we’ve all seen wet cardboard. We all thought it kinda just become mush and went away, apparently not.” When asked about a solution to the problem Dr. Finehoffer said, “What problem? Oh right, well there’s not much we can do about it now. Its probably time to, yanno, give up and stuff.”
Empirical scientific data proves just the opposite. “Cardboard is in in fact biodegradable,” says Dr. Jen Houseworthy of Bellvue Science Academy. “Dr. Finehoffer is a well known fraud, who has been known to conjure up fake scientific reports. He uses it to sell his ‘inventions’”.
Upon further investigation Dr. Finehoffer has begun selling his own version of cardboard he calls “Ground Food”. It has been discovered that this cardboard is being manufactured at a small factory in Cambodia. It is chemically identical to regular cardboard but is manufactured using the highly controversial ‘Digby Chemical method’ which utilizes large amounts of Arsenic. When confronted he stated “ There’s a lot of misinformation being spread by big cardboard. People need to know the facts, even if they are poorly researched and unrepresented by scientific data. My version of science is much better. Its more profitable for me and we all get the facts quicker. I deal in fact production, and its making the world a better place.”
Dr. Finehoffer is also under criminal investigation in the United States for the alleged trafficking of over 300 peacocks, distributed to meat packing plants in southwestern Alaska. Dr. Finehoffer declined to comment on the allegations but did comment on peacocks. “They’re pretty stupid animals, and I don’t feel like they have a place in the ecosystem. Its my scientific duty to drive them to extinction. Creating a palate for them in the U.S. was the first step, but those fools at the FDA wrenched my plans.” He then went on a rant and stated that he was working on a “blite”that would eradicate the species, shortly before our communications ceased.
The scientific community has largely ignored the controversy. But we haven’t and you shouldn’t either.
